My Time or God's Time?

"God made time and He made plenty of it." - an Irish saying

After a year of break from Sunday School teaching, I was asked to substitute for a Nursery class. It was a call for dependence on God. Personal and career tasks were left and right. The question whether "my time is God's time or not" lingered. At last, I said "yes" by faith. And surprisingly, I came in on time and had a great classroom experience with the kids. So I pondered, "How easy is it to just give God everything and He will make everything beautiful in His time?". Truth is, I seldom know. For me, my time is "my time" so God's time could be scheduled.

I have deeper issues on time management but I just don't want to admit it. I often say that tasks are too big and too plenty so I could not finish everything on time. This mind-set creates a domino effect on my schedule, on my health and on people around me. I have to apologize again and again for cancelling an appointment, for missing a deadline, and for not making it to family celebrations and friends' invitations.

God has been convicting me to re-read my daily planner and boy, it's so filled. So it hit me: I do know how to plan but I don't know how to say "NO" to some people -- so schedule's never-ending. And the contents of my planner further hit me, I don't know how to say NO because I am afraid to displease some people, but in effect I displease the more important ones, too.

Surprisingly, my issues on time management is greatly connected to my low self-esteem. I was raised in a family where self-worth could be equated to achievements, contributions and service. When I was in grade school, I was trained to study hard to earn pride for my name and for my reward. If I didn't have high grades, I won't have a raise in my allowance. My father would not attend a ceremony if I was not the one who got the first honor. When I was just starting to work and was earning so low, I would go home and found no food for me. My mother said I was not contributing enough so I would not have my fill. As the eldest among the siblings, I could not say no whenever my mom would tell me to do the projects of my brothers while they played. Right now, the only reason that I was welcomed home because I finance my youngest brother's tuition and being here would probably end when he'll finally graduate.

I was raised to be the family's servant and I think there's nothing wrong with that. Service given to a family should never be counted because they are your blood and gift. However, in my heart, it's still not clear why should I be highly regarded by my parents based on what I did. Could it not be because I am their daughter, their own? I tried telling my parents what I felt and nothing changed. My life with them was a series of hurtful words out of discontent and denial. It seemed like the only way to enjoy their company is to keep on pleasing them.

So at school, work and church I tried to find self-worth, but I fell into the pattern of doing what others expect me to do. I gained applause, good commendations, promotions and trust, but all of these are tied up with work. Workaholism became my life. I enjoyed being appreciated by others because of my contributions and service to different organizations. One planner seemed not enough for a busy woman like me. And yes, it took me a long time before I admit that I am prioritizing my service to people who greatly recognize me (like my bosses and my churchmates) than my service to my family. I could not make a restful schedule because I don't really enjoy being home.

In my recent quiet time with God, He gave me these Bible verses:

For apart from Him, who can have enjoyment? - Ecclesiastes 2:25

I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. - Ecclesiastes 3:10-11

These biblical truths inspire me to come clean. I asked help from God in dealing with my life issues. Sucking at time management was caused by my endless pursuit of finding self-worth in pleasing others. It's not healthy. It's not fun to have sleepless nights finishing lessons, newsletters and curriculum just to make the boss or the ministry head smile. I missed the point that these people are still people, as frail as my family who couldn't be easily pleased as well.

So if I really want to find enjoyment, there's no other person whom should I please but my Loving God. He said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love;therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you" (Jeremiah 33:3).

God's time should be my priority. Right now, He's opening my eyes to see which ones are important and not. I might be learning the art of saying NO slowly, but at least, I am getting there. I am confident that even without trying to please others, I am loved. Even without filling my planner, He is creating opportunities for me and my family to reconcile, heal and enjoy each other's company for real. When He took residency in my heart, Jesus started cleaning up the mess. How comforting it is to just listen to His teachings and obey them as a child clings unto her Father.

His time with me is being spent through words of love, promises of comfort and actions that brought forth peace. In this heart I know He is making all things beautiful in His time.

My Homecoming

I am so happy and thankful today. God has blessed me His answer for a two-year prayer. He put me in a Bible school!

Actually, this thing is more than what I really wanted. Since I got to know Him, I loved diving into His word. My favorite part of the day is the time that I wake up in my room -- I could hear the birds chirping and see the sunlight peeping in my window. All the pessimism started to fade when I smiled thinking about Him as I began to sing. I sang from the depths of my heart like I was rehearsing for the final day that we will be seeing each other.

Then I would flip the Bible like a child reading her favorite fairy tale book. (The only difference is that what are in His book are real.) I would read about Him and memorize His promises. I collected gift bookmarks and stick on notes to carefully write small reflections on them. I remember how I put up with a few old highlighter pens to mark my favorite passages. Now I've got many but I seldom use them.

Surely I went through a slow fade, but this time, I rejoice because God just proved He wouldn't let me continuously drift away. This is the life that He bestowed me with -- and He would not allow my independence, self-pity and arrogance ruin His purpose for this life.

I am amazed in having this kind of privilege: living in a free country where I can cheaply study His word for a high cost, my transformation as a positive living witness of His love.

The desire to effectively witness to others becomes a burden in a positive way. I used to loathe it -- for I was overwhelmed with the troubles that pop out left and right. My 'me-and-myself' syndrome took over that small faith. And I plotted a battle plan to win over troubles, and so I drove this roller-coaster ride in high gear, until I get tired and tired.

Lately, through short reflections I learned how serious He is in communing with me. No wonder I was too hungry for His presence. Signing up for Bible school is the beginning of my repentance. This has been my heart's desire.

I longed to return to my first love -- the kind of love that doesn't hold back, doesn't count nor intend to hurt. The kind of love that swept me off my feet is just in my heart all along. He never left this place though I kept on walking away.

When I was sitting in that big room listening to my teacher, I could not explain the joy that I felt. Sitting with people who have different issues, seeing faces who long to get to know Him more and listening to laughter of satisfied souls assured me I was in the right place. It's like a homecoming.

I could not count how many homecomings I had in my seven-year relationship with Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter I guess. What's important is that He is always ready to welcome me back.

It's funny to realize that the happiness that I felt about my achievements couldn't compare to the joy that I have about Jesus' forgiveness. Being His child and the object of His affection is the best experience that a woman could ever have.

Now that I am becoming more dependent on His plan for this life, I must say that I become more excited to discover His surprises. I dare to see them with my own eyes and feel them with my own hands.